If you've spent any time on social media lately, you've probably seen the term "love bombing" - usually painted as something calculated. A red flag. A manipulation tactic.

And sometimes, it is.

But here's what often gets missed: love bombing is frequently UNINTENTIONAL. It's subconscious. And believe it or not, it usually comes from a genuinely well-intentioned place - a deep desire to connect with someone.

The problem? Good intentions can still create harmful dynamics.

What Love Bombing Actually Is

Love bombing is an overwhelming rush of affection, attention, and intensity early in a relationship (or during a season of reconnection). Constant texts. Grand gestures. Declarations of deep feelings before the relationship has had time to grow roots.

On the surface, it can feel wonderful. Who doesn't want to feel adored?

But underneath all that intensity, love bombing is a SUBSTITUTE for something. A sbustitue for true, safe intimacy, and emotional connection. It's not built on knowing someone deeply. It's built on insecurity and idealized love. The person love bombing isn't trying to manipulate; they're trying to secure connection the only way they know how. By flooding the relationship with intensity and hoping it sticks.

Real intimacy takes time, vulnerability, and the willingness to be truly seen. Love bombing skips all of that and tries to manufacture closeness overnight.

The Pendulum Swing

Here's where the dynamic gets painful for everyone involved.

When all that intensity doesn't create the connection the person is longing for, when the other person pulls back, needs space, or simply can't match the pace, the pendulum swings. Hard.

The person who was showering you with affection may suddenly withdraw. Go cold. Pull away entirely. Maybe eve disappears completely. This isn't punishment (though it can feel that way). It's another attempt to create emotional safety, this time by protecting themselves from the rejection they fear is coming.

So the relationship swings back and forth: intense pursuit, then retreat. Closeness, then distance. And neither person ever lands in the middle, the place where safe, steady connection actually lives.

If you're on the receiving end, this whiplash is confusing and destabilizing. You start wondering what you did wrong. If you're the one swinging, you're exhausted and hurting too, wondering WHY connection always seems to slip through your fingers.

Compassion for Both Sides

If you recognize yourself as the love bomber, please hear this: you are not a bad person. You're likely someone who wants connection so deeply that the wanting itself gets in the way. That's worth exploring, not shaming.

And if you're on the receiving end, your pain is oh-so valid. Feeling overwhelmed by intensity doesn't make you cold or unloving. It often means your nervous system is telling you the pace isn't safe yet.

Healthy love doesn't need to rush. It doesn't flood or withdraw. It builds. Slowly, steadily, with room for both people to breathe.

Some Questions to Sit With

Wherever you find yourself in this dynamic, I'd invite you to reflect:

• When I feel disconnected from someone I care about, what's my first instinct? To pursue harder, or to pull away?

• Do I trust that I'm lovable at a normal pace, without the grand gestures?

• Have I ever mistaken intensity for intimacy?

• What would it feel like to let a relationship unfold slowly? And could I tolerate that?

There are no wrong answers here. Just information about your patterns, your fears, and what you're really longing for underneath it all.

Because at the end of the day, love bombing isn't about too much love. It's about not yet knowing how to feel safe in it.

Have you ever agonized over whether to give a relationship another chance, running the pros and cons over and over, unable to land on an answer? Or maybe you are in a relationship that is harming you over and over again, but you are staying true to a commitment you made when things looked very different.

Both of these could be boundary problems. One is about not being sure who deserves access to your future. The other is about giving access when it hasn’t been earned. And truthfully, most of us have never actually mapped out what "access" even means, much less who should get how much of it. So, we default to gut feeling, guilt, or whoever's in front of us at the moment.

I created a tool for myself when I was struggling with exactly the first problem. I was in the chaotic midst of deciding whether or not to continue in a relationship. I was making pros and cons lists, going back and forth, not sure whether to give an old relationship another chance.

I started thinking about access.

Who Gets Access To Me?

Who gets access to me? What criteria does an ex need to meet before I'd wisely consider starting things up again? When do I stop considering someone a friend who has a pattern of disrespecting me?

These were the questions I asked myself as I pulled out an old concept I'd used in therapy with my own clients many times: concentric rings of boundaries I'd use to help clients get clarity on this exact kind of thing. I pulled it back out and started developing it further (somewhat based on Robin Dunbar's work on layers of intimacy).

I started with my closest circle. I asked myself: who has shown themselves to be trustworthy, healthy, consistent, honest? And what, specifically, would I give that kind of person access to? I chose one friend who I believed exemplified “ideal” friendship and could act as a prototype.

My closest and most trusted, ideal friend/partner would have access to:

• My time

• My attention

• My emotions and inner world

• My vulnerabilities (e.g. fears, struggles, etc.)

• My home

• My physical affection

• My resources (e.g. connections, wisdom, finances when appropriate, etc.)

• My influence (i.e. I will contribute to their wellbeing and future)

• My future (i.e. investment to continue in each other's lives)

This list blew my mind. I'd never had this kind of clarity on how to steward my important relationships before. Not only did it give me clarity about what I wanted to see from others, it was also a reality check. I realized I hadn't been strong in some of these areas the way I wanted to be, and that I needed to be.

I saw that every one of those items is really a boundary. A line that determines who's allowed how close. So, with that clarity on what my closer, more trusted circles should have access to, I built out my actual levels of relating:

1. Covenant — the people permanently, “unconditionally” bound to you: a spouse, a lifelong best friend of decades.

2. Inner Circle — the people who've earned deep trust but aren't bound to you for life: emotionally intimate friends, healthy family members, a romantic partner who's proven themselves over time but hasn't made a lifelong commitment yet.

3. Trusted — good friends, healthy family, mentors, long-term serious dating partners.

4. Friendly — people you enjoy but haven't built deep trust with yet: new friends, casual friends, extended family, new dating relationships.

5. Acquaintance — coworkers, neighbors, new people.

6. Public — strangers, service workers, the general public.

7. No Access — people who no longer get access to your life because staying in contact is incompatible with your wellbeing, safety, or values.

The Seven Levels of Access

Now that I had my circles divided up, I could flesh each one out - what type of access does each person actually get, and what does that boundary actually look like in practice?

Covenant

is reserved for the people bound to me permanently and “unconditionally” — a spouse, a lifelong best friend. I use quotes here for “unconditionally”, because all relationships can shift and change, and sometimes they should. I still chose the word “unconditional” because these relationship have a deep level of commitment and have proven themselves over a long period of time. Getting here requires extraordinary integrity, maturity, the ability to repair conflict, shared values, and long-term consistency proven over years, not months. These are the people who get full life partnership: a shared future, shared resources, shared everything, and full physical intimacy.

Inner Circle

is for people who are trustworthy, are protective of me, who love me, and are invested in me, who are safe and consistent, but who haven't made (or aren't in a position to make) a lifelong commitment the way Covenant people have. This is close, emotionally intimate friends, healthy family, or a romantic partner who has earned deep trust over real time. They get access to my fears, my dreams, some of my finances if/when appropriate, my big life decisions, and mutual influence over each other's lives.

Trusted Circle

is good friends, healthy family, mentors, and long-term dating partners. These are people who can handle disagreement without falling apart, who own their mistakes, who add calm and celebration to my life, and who show honesty and wisdom consistently. They get honest conversations, my struggles, my time, my home, and mutual support.

Friendly Circle

covers people I genuinely enjoy but who haven't earned deep trust yet. This could be new friends, casual friends, extended family, new dating relationships, or the consistent-but-not-close people in my life like a tennis partner, a dance class partner, a teacher, etc. Here Im watching for whether they're consistent, kind, generous, respectful of my boundaries, and don't gossip. They get shared hobbies, shared meals, some personal conversation, and invitations into my everyday life.

Acquaintances

This tier could contain colleagues, neighbors, new people - anyone who's friendly and open but who I don't yet know well enough to place anywhere else. They get pleasant conversation, general information, my everyday kindness, and professional interaction.

Public

is strangers, service workers, the general public - anyone with no established relationship to me at all. There's no criteria to meet here because there's no relationship yet. They get cordial, pleasant, short interactions, and physically, little to nothing - maybe a handshake.

No Access

No Access or “No Contact” (ie NC”) is for people who've shown patterns of lies, dishonesty, emotional or physical abuse, manipulation, or repeated violated boundaries. This tier means no amount of intimacy or personal information, no interaction unless absolutely required, and no expectation of reconciliation. These people have shown themselves to be dangerous to me, either physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, etc. These people cannot be appropriately put in the “acquaintance” tier or the “public” tier and require a firmer boundary.

Physical Intimacy Boundaries

A word on the physical layer, since it's easy to skim past: access isn't just emotional, it's physical too. Who you let touch you, and how, is one of the clearest signals of what tier someone's actually in, whether you've consciously decided that or not. But I want to be really clear here: where you draw these physical lines is an extremely personal decision, and there is no universal right answer. Your own culture, values, religious faith, past trauma, and social norms all shape what feels appropriate at each level, and yours might look completely different from mine or anyone else’s. This is a wonderful concept to explore with your own therapist!

Creating Your Own Boundaries

What I've created here isn't a rulebook, its simply a general guideline and tool I created for myself. Yours will look different, and it should, built from your own values, your own history, your own life. But if you find yourself running the pros and cons list for the hundredth time, wondering whether to give someone another chance, remember that the question isn’t really “are they a good person?” It's what they've actually shown you they've earned. And if you're the one holding tight to an internal commitment you made back when the friendship looked completely different, you're allowed to notice that the person isn't the one standing in front of you now. You are always allowed to change your mind, and adjust when given new information. Access isn't something you owe people. It's something you steward.

One of the most common stressors wives share in therapy relates to their spouses. Now, before you think I'm about to start bashing men and blaming husbands, I ask that you hold on for a bit. This is not that. I'm actually going much deeper into the pattern, because it's far more complex than what it appears on the surface.

What I hear from her: "I do EVERYTHING. I take care of the house, I take care of the kids, I work full time (maybe even the spouse with the primary income). He said he would take care of the yard, but I have to remind him to do that. He says he will cook dinner three nights a week, but he leaves a mess for me to clean up, and it's not food I want, so now I just prepare my own snack or skip dinner all together. I want him to plan! I want him to take INITIATIVE! I'm doing everything, and then he doesn't get it when I'm 'not in the mood' for sex."

Some of the time women are surprised they are not the only one with this problem. Some of the time they are well aware, because their friends have the same complaints and they assume all men are just this way. But almost every woman is unaware of the dance she is doing with her husband that keeps his behavior (or lack of behavior!) cemented into place.

Let me explain.

The System Theory

There is a theory in psychology that humans in a system behave as any system of cause and effect would. In systems theory, no emotion, behavior, lack of behavior, or symptom exists in isolation. Anything that looks like "one person's problem" is usually the system's way of managing tension, distributed across the entire system.

A great visual example of this is a infants mobile, hanging above a crib. If you move any sphere, the whole system adapts. This means that even a "dysfunctional" system is still functioning. Maybe not in an ideal way, but it will adjust to any unhealthy dynamic and create more unhealthy dynamics to balance things out. Essentially, nature hates a vacuum. If one part is "under-functioning," another part, to cope with the vacuum, will over-function.

You Are Part Of A System

So what is the solution, you might ask? To create change, multiple parts of the system must change. Or put another way, multiple people in the system must change. That is because the problem is not a problem with your husband, necessarily. It is a problem with the system. It is a problem with codependency. A dysfunctional system requires, at its core, two dysfunctional people.

Okay, now you are mad at me. You just heard me say it's your fault your husband doesn't clean the counters after he cooks. Hold on, stick with me here!

Co-Dependent Patterns

Im not saying you are co-dependent, necessarily. Im saying if there is a stuck pattern, there is behavior on both sides that is keeping the pattern stuck. The PROBLEM is dependent on the behavior and perspective of each person. Thus, the continued conflict is due to co-dependents behavior and perspectives form each person.

Stephen Karpman did great work around this idea. He shows the connection between the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. What I love about his work is that it is PRACTICAL. No matter which role you find yourself in, there are next steps to address the system. Here is a brief definition of each role. (Note, each role's problem boils down to a BOUNDARY problem!)

Persecutor: The person in this role causes the pain, whether intentional or unintentional, well-intentioned or poorly intentioned. This could be a bully, or someone unaware of how their actions or inactions cause pain. It is often someone attempting to show "tough love." The boundary problem here is that they are crossing over into someone else's space, metaphorically. They are no longer standing in their circle. They have stepped out, and crossed someone else's lines.

Victim: The person in this role is either 1) being hurt, or 2) sees themselves as stuck and helpless. The boundary problem here is that they lack boundaries within themselves. Either poor expectations of themselves, low self-worth, or low self-actualization. They must have boundaries within themselves to no longer be "stuck and helpless," but be able to enact change for themselves and in their lives.

Rescuer: This is the person who "protects" the victim from the persecutor. They often see themselves as doing good, helping, as kind-hearted and well-intentioned, but they also are enabling and keeping the system from becoming healthy. The rescuer is the person who jumps into the ocean to rescue someone, but ends up drowning themselves. The boundary problem here is they are so focused on someone else, they do not take care of themselves. The rescuer needs to prioritize their own wellbeing, and if someone asks for help, they coach from the sidelines, not run onto the field to do the work for the other person.

So which are you? Often the wife waffles between all three. Perhaps she feels like the victim, oppressed by her husband. Or perhaps she has become the persecutor through "nagging," trying to force changed behavior on his part. Often she is the rescuer, enabling the current pattern by doing it all herself so her husband never feels the repercussions of not doing his part. You likely find that you have stepped into each role at some point in your relationship, in an attempt to create change. I suspect you have viewed your spouse in a few of these roles as well at times, depending on the conflict patterns the two of you tend towards.

How To Change The Pattern

So what does this mean for you?

First, these patterns are extremely difficult to navigate, particularly on your own. I suggest engaging the assistance of a professional who can help you both navigate these tricky dynamics and the intense emotions lying beneath the surface. It's very easy to start making some changes and then find your dynamic gets worse. Systems like homeostasis. The system resists change, even good change, because they're organized around a certain balance. That's why one person's growth can trigger pushback and cause things to escalate. Get. Into. Couples. Therapy.

But for learning purposes:

Step One: Focus on yourself.

Are you taking care of your basic needs? Are you focused on your own wellbeing? Are you moving your body, talking with friends, engaged in meaningful work (paid or unpaid)? If not, this is your first step. This one matters more than it looks like it does. Remember, the victim's boundary problem from earlier isn't a boundary with someone else, it's a boundary within yourself. Low self-worth, low self-actualization, poor expectations of your own life. Taking care of yourself first isn't selfish. It's the foundation for any meaningful change.

Step Two: Decide what you have energy for.

Decide what your priorities are. You cannot, CANNOT, manage everyone on your own. You were never meant to. Stop spending energy trying to control everything. Choose what truly aligns with your values and let the rest have natural consequences. You must decide what you will drop. I encourage you to make a list of the things you will not allow yourself to care about any longer. What will YOU focus on that will not build resentment? This might mean what matters to you most is a clean bathroom and a clean bedroom, and you decide to let the attic and the garage go. You make a conscious decision that you will not spend energy toward that. How could you? You have too many other good things going on in your life (see Step One). Or perhaps you decide what matters most is hosting people in your home, so you keep it simple with frozen vegetables and a rotisserie chicken on paper plates, and your house isn't perfect when people come over. You make a conscious decision to focus on the relationships, not the clutter in the corner. How could you? You have too many good things going on in your life.

One thing to expect here: this will feel worse before it feels better. You already know systems like homeostasis. They resist change. So when you stop over-functioning, don't be surprised if you feel anxious or guilty. That discomfort isn't necessarily a sign you're doing something wrong. It can be a sign the system is being asked to adjust.

Step Three: Communicate the shift, then divide responsibilities.

Speak with your spouse about the division of tasks. Get cristal clearn on what is whose responsability, then stick to that. You can only control YOUR behavior, so focus on that. Focus on what is in your control: your behavior, your words, you attitude. Commit to no enabeling. "You said you'd do this" is a reminder, and reminders are just nagging with better manners. Say it, then stick to your part and let it go.

Let the people in your life experience discomfort, let them experience natural consequences. Maybe some dishes pile up. Maybe the yard gets shaggy. Let people in your life fail as they grow, without rescuing them. That isn't to say you can't act as an advisor, but you must focus on your own wellbeing.

Important note: your spouse will not have the same values as you do! He very well may not care about dishes in the sink, or grass that's a little long. There is nothing wrong with that. You have chosen to live a life with someone who has different values and priorities than you do, and that is perfectly okay. It's important to fill your life with good things, focus on yourself, and stop playing your part in keeping the system stuck.

Bringing It All Together

None of this works if you try to do it in isolation, which is a little ironic, since isolation is exactly what got the system stuck in the first place. The persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer aren't three different people. They're three roles the same people cycles through, sometimes in the same week, sometimes in the same conversation. The way out isn't picking the "right" role to play. It's building boundaries, both with yourself, and with the people you love, so that you're not defaulting into any of them.

This is genuinely hard to do alone, and it's harder still to do inside the relationship where the pattern formed. Most couples don't get stuck because they don't love each other. They get stuck because the system found a balance a long time ago, and nobody's shown them how to rebuild it into something healthier.

If any of this sounds like your relationship, you don't have to figure it out through trial and error. Schedule a consultation, whether that's couples therapy to work through this together, or individual therapy to start untangling your own part in the pattern first. Either way, it's a real place to start.

What inspired you to become a therapist?

I've always been drawn to people's stories and the ways our experiences shape who we are. Over time, I realized that I wanted a career centered on walking alongside people through both the difficult and meaningful seasons of life. Becoming a therapist allows me to combine my love for relationships, personal growth, and helping others find hope, healing, and a deeper understanding of themselves.

What's your favorite part of being a therapist?

My favorite part of being a therapist is getting to sit with people in the raw, real moments of their lives. There is something incredibly meaningful about being invited into someone's story and helping them make sense of experiences that may feel overwhelming or isolating. This work has only deepened my appreciation for the resilience of the human spirit and the incredible capacity people have for growth, hope, and healing. 

What would you want a new client to know before their first session?

I would want a new client to know that often the first step is the hardest. Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable, intimidating, and even scary. If you're feeling nervous, you're not alone. While I can't promise the process will always be easy, I can promise that you won't have to navigate it by yourself. My goal is to create a space where you feel safe, seen, and understood. Healing often begins with simply showing up, and I believe there is hope waiting on the other side of that first step.

What helps you recharge after a busy week?

I'm a firm believer that strong relationships are one of our greatest sources of support and joy. After a busy week, I recharge by spending intentional time with my husband, family, and friends. Bonus points if it's outside or gathered around a table with good food.

What's something you're passionate about outside of therapy?

I'm passionate about pursuing holistic health. I try to be intentional about caring for my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being because I've learned that when one area is neglected, the others often feel it too.

Coffee, tea, or neither?

Lately, I’ve been on a big matcha kick lately, especially with vanilla added in! 

What's a book, movie, or show you've enjoyed recently?

My all-time favorite show is New Girl, it’s my go-to comfort show after a long day.

What's one thing currently on your bucket list?

I absolutely love traveling, so one of my ultimate bucket list dreams is to find a way to spend an extended amount of time traveling with my husband, exploring different countries, experiencing new cultures, and learning from people around the world.

Most likely to discuss during a treatment?

You'll probably hear me talk about the nervous system and the incredible ways our minds and bodies are designed to protect us. I'm passionate about helping clients understand that many of the coping strategies they've developed were not signs of weakness, they were ways of surviving and getting through difficult circumstances. Together, we'll explore new ways of coping while also honoring the strengths, resilience, and wisdom that have already helped you make it this far.

Hobbies outside of work?

I love traveling, spending time outdoors, and going on walks with friends. I also enjoy thrifting, home projects, and recently I've been having fun learning how to use my embroidery machine.

What is your favorite self-care practice/coping skills?

Taking a walk outside, practicing breathwork, and staying connected with people I care about are some of my favorite ways to reset, stay grounded, and care for myself when life feels busy or overwhelming.

I want to say something first, because I think it matters more than the label itself: not everyone who runs this pattern is a narcissist. Sometimes it's unresolved trauma, playing out on a loop the person doesn't even see. It's not always conscious. But whether it's intentional or not, the pattern is the pattern, and learning to recognize it is what protects you instead of focusing on figuring out the "why" behind someone else's behavior and choices

So let's talk about the cycle.

The Cycle Of Narcissistic Abuse

It starts with IDEALIZATION.

The love bombing. The attention that feels like it was made for you, the mirroring, the intensity that moves you from strangers to soulmates in what feels like no time at all. It feels incredible. That's the point.

Then comes DEVALUATION.

The shift is rarely dramatic at first. A little criticism here. A little withdrawal there. Comparisons. Playing the victim. Selective “forgetting” what matters to you. Tests you didn't know you were taking. Maybe its something big like infidelity, or maybe its subtle enough that you explain it away - they're stressed, you did do something wrong, you're overreacting. You start questioning your own perception of reality, but by now your are hooked and feeling desperate for their love.

Then, DISCARD.

And here's the part I think gets missed the most: it's easy for them to leave because the roots were never actually deep. What felt like intimacy wasn't real intimacy, not on their end, anyway. It may have been real for you. That's what makes it so disorienting. You were building something with real soil and real roots, and they were building something that could be pulled up in an afternoon. When they don't get their way, there's nothing holding them there, so they go.

And then, often, the HOOVER.

They come back. Not necessarily because they missed you, but because the dynamic isn't finished yet. And it works, because it re-triggers everything from stage one.

Can people change?

Maybe - if the pattern comes from trauma and not from something more fixed, there can be real growth. But remember: a relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it. Someone else's healing work doesn't happen for you, and it doesn't happen on your timeline. You are not responsible for carrying a relationship's health by yourself.

Which brings me to the part I actually think matters most.