Your Husband Isn’t The Problem
One of the most common stressors wives share in therapy relates to their spouses. Now, before you think I'm about to start bashing men and blaming husbands, I ask that you hold on for a bit. This is not that. I'm actually going much deeper into the pattern, because it's far more complex than what it appears on the surface.
What I hear from her: "I do EVERYTHING. I take care of the house, I take care of the kids, I work full time (maybe even the spouse with the primary income). He said he would take care of the yard, but I have to remind him to do that. He says he will cook dinner three nights a week, but he leaves a mess for me to clean up, and it's not food I want, so now I just prepare my own snack or skip dinner all together. I want him to plan! I want him to take INITIATIVE! I'm doing everything, and then he doesn't get it when I'm 'not in the mood' for sex."
Some of the time women are surprised they are not the only one with this problem. Some of the time they are well aware, because their friends have the same complaints and they assume all men are just this way. But almost every woman is unaware of the dance she is doing with her husband that keeps his behavior (or lack of behavior!) cemented into place.
Let me explain.
The System Theory
There is a theory in psychology that humans in a system behave as any system of cause and effect would. In systems theory, no emotion, behavior, lack of behavior, or symptom exists in isolation. Anything that looks like "one person's problem" is usually the system's way of managing tension, distributed across the entire system.
A great visual example of this is a infants mobile, hanging above a crib. If you move any sphere, the whole system adapts. This means that even a "dysfunctional" system is still functioning. Maybe not in an ideal way, but it will adjust to any unhealthy dynamic and create more unhealthy dynamics to balance things out. Essentially, nature hates a vacuum. If one part is "under-functioning," another part, to cope with the vacuum, will over-function.
You Are Part Of A System
So what is the solution, you might ask? To create change, multiple parts of the system must change. Or put another way, multiple people in the system must change. That is because the problem is not a problem with your husband, necessarily. It is a problem with the system. It is a problem with codependency. A dysfunctional system requires, at its core, two dysfunctional people.
Okay, now you are mad at me. You just heard me say it's your fault your husband doesn't clean the counters after he cooks. Hold on, stick with me here!
Co-Dependent Patterns
Im not saying you are co-dependent, necessarily. Im saying if there is a stuck pattern, there is behavior on both sides that is keeping the pattern stuck. The PROBLEM is dependent on the behavior and perspective of each person. Thus, the continued conflict is due to co-dependents behavior and perspectives form each person.
Stephen Karpman did great work around this idea. He shows the connection between the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. What I love about his work is that it is PRACTICAL. No matter which role you find yourself in, there are next steps to address the system. Here is a brief definition of each role. (Note, each role's problem boils down to a BOUNDARY problem!)
Persecutor: The person in this role causes the pain, whether intentional or unintentional, well-intentioned or poorly intentioned. This could be a bully, or someone unaware of how their actions or inactions cause pain. It is often someone attempting to show "tough love." The boundary problem here is that they are crossing over into someone else's space, metaphorically. They are no longer standing in their circle. They have stepped out, and crossed someone else's lines.
Victim: The person in this role is either 1) being hurt, or 2) sees themselves as stuck and helpless. The boundary problem here is that they lack boundaries within themselves. Either poor expectations of themselves, low self-worth, or low self-actualization. They must have boundaries within themselves to no longer be "stuck and helpless," but be able to enact change for themselves and in their lives.
Rescuer: This is the person who "protects" the victim from the persecutor. They often see themselves as doing good, helping, as kind-hearted and well-intentioned, but they also are enabling and keeping the system from becoming healthy. The rescuer is the person who jumps into the ocean to rescue someone, but ends up drowning themselves. The boundary problem here is they are so focused on someone else, they do not take care of themselves. The rescuer needs to prioritize their own wellbeing, and if someone asks for help, they coach from the sidelines, not run onto the field to do the work for the other person.
So which are you? Often the wife waffles between all three. Perhaps she feels like the victim, oppressed by her husband. Or perhaps she has become the persecutor through "nagging," trying to force changed behavior on his part. Often she is the rescuer, enabling the current pattern by doing it all herself so her husband never feels the repercussions of not doing his part. You likely find that you have stepped into each role at some point in your relationship, in an attempt to create change. I suspect you have viewed your spouse in a few of these roles as well at times, depending on the conflict patterns the two of you tend towards.
How To Change The Pattern
So what does this mean for you?
First, these patterns are extremely difficult to navigate, particularly on your own. I suggest engaging the assistance of a professional who can help you both navigate these tricky dynamics and the intense emotions lying beneath the surface. It's very easy to start making some changes and then find your dynamic gets worse. Systems like homeostasis. The system resists change, even good change, because they're organized around a certain balance. That's why one person's growth can trigger pushback and cause things to escalate. Get. Into. Couples. Therapy.
But for learning purposes:
Step One: Focus on yourself.
Are you taking care of your basic needs? Are you focused on your own wellbeing? Are you moving your body, talking with friends, engaged in meaningful work (paid or unpaid)? If not, this is your first step. This one matters more than it looks like it does. Remember, the victim's boundary problem from earlier isn't a boundary with someone else, it's a boundary within yourself. Low self-worth, low self-actualization, poor expectations of your own life. Taking care of yourself first isn't selfish. It's the foundation for any meaningful change.
Step Two: Decide what you have energy for.
Decide what your priorities are. You cannot, CANNOT, manage everyone on your own. You were never meant to. Stop spending energy trying to control everything. Choose what truly aligns with your values and let the rest have natural consequences. You must decide what you will drop. I encourage you to make a list of the things you will not allow yourself to care about any longer. What will YOU focus on that will not build resentment? This might mean what matters to you most is a clean bathroom and a clean bedroom, and you decide to let the attic and the garage go. You make a conscious decision that you will not spend energy toward that. How could you? You have too many other good things going on in your life (see Step One). Or perhaps you decide what matters most is hosting people in your home, so you keep it simple with frozen vegetables and a rotisserie chicken on paper plates, and your house isn't perfect when people come over. You make a conscious decision to focus on the relationships, not the clutter in the corner. How could you? You have too many good things going on in your life.
One thing to expect here: this will feel worse before it feels better. You already know systems like homeostasis. They resist change. So when you stop over-functioning, don't be surprised if you feel anxious or guilty. That discomfort isn't necessarily a sign you're doing something wrong. It can be a sign the system is being asked to adjust.
Step Three: Communicate the shift, then divide responsibilities.
Speak with your spouse about the division of tasks. Get cristal clearn on what is whose responsability, then stick to that. You can only control YOUR behavior, so focus on that. Focus on what is in your control: your behavior, your words, you attitude. Commit to no enabeling. "You said you'd do this" is a reminder, and reminders are just nagging with better manners. Say it, then stick to your part and let it go.
Let the people in your life experience discomfort, let them experience natural consequences. Maybe some dishes pile up. Maybe the yard gets shaggy. Let people in your life fail as they grow, without rescuing them. That isn't to say you can't act as an advisor, but you must focus on your own wellbeing.
Important note: your spouse will not have the same values as you do! He very well may not care about dishes in the sink, or grass that's a little long. There is nothing wrong with that. You have chosen to live a life with someone who has different values and priorities than you do, and that is perfectly okay. It's important to fill your life with good things, focus on yourself, and stop playing your part in keeping the system stuck.
Bringing It All Together
None of this works if you try to do it in isolation, which is a little ironic, since isolation is exactly what got the system stuck in the first place. The persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer aren't three different people. They're three roles the same people cycles through, sometimes in the same week, sometimes in the same conversation. The way out isn't picking the "right" role to play. It's building boundaries, both with yourself, and with the people you love, so that you're not defaulting into any of them.
This is genuinely hard to do alone, and it's harder still to do inside the relationship where the pattern formed. Most couples don't get stuck because they don't love each other. They get stuck because the system found a balance a long time ago, and nobody's shown them how to rebuild it into something healthier.
If any of this sounds like your relationship, you don't have to figure it out through trial and error. Schedule a consultation, whether that's couples therapy to work through this together, or individual therapy to start untangling your own part in the pattern first. Either way, it's a real place to start.
