Have you ever agonized over whether to give a relationship another chance, running the pros and cons over and over, unable to land on an answer? Or maybe you are in a relationship that is harming you over and over again, but you are staying true to a commitment you made when things looked very different.

Both of these could be boundary problems. One is about not being sure who deserves access to your future. The other is about giving access when it hasn’t been earned. And truthfully, most of us have never actually mapped out what "access" even means, much less who should get how much of it. So, we default to gut feeling, guilt, or whoever's in front of us at the moment.

I created a tool for myself when I was struggling with exactly the first problem. I was in the chaotic midst of deciding whether or not to continue in a relationship. I was making pros and cons lists, going back and forth, not sure whether to give an old relationship another chance.

I started thinking about access.

Who Gets Access To Me?

Who gets access to me? What criteria does an ex need to meet before I'd wisely consider starting things up again? When do I stop considering someone a friend who has a pattern of disrespecting me?

These were the questions I asked myself as I pulled out an old concept I'd used in therapy with my own clients many times: concentric rings of boundaries I'd use to help clients get clarity on this exact kind of thing. I pulled it back out and started developing it further (somewhat based on Robin Dunbar's work on layers of intimacy).

I started with my closest circle. I asked myself: who has shown themselves to be trustworthy, healthy, consistent, honest? And what, specifically, would I give that kind of person access to? I chose one friend who I believed exemplified “ideal” friendship and could act as a prototype.

My closest and most trusted, ideal friend/partner would have access to:

• My time

• My attention

• My emotions and inner world

• My vulnerabilities (e.g. fears, struggles, etc.)

• My home

• My physical affection

• My resources (e.g. connections, wisdom, finances when appropriate, etc.)

• My influence (i.e. I will contribute to their wellbeing and future)

• My future (i.e. investment to continue in each other's lives)

This list blew my mind. I'd never had this kind of clarity on how to steward my important relationships before. Not only did it give me clarity about what I wanted to see from others, it was also a reality check. I realized I hadn't been strong in some of these areas the way I wanted to be, and that I needed to be.

I saw that every one of those items is really a boundary. A line that determines who's allowed how close. So, with that clarity on what my closer, more trusted circles should have access to, I built out my actual levels of relating:

1. Covenant — the people permanently, “unconditionally” bound to you: a spouse, a lifelong best friend of decades.

2. Inner Circle — the people who've earned deep trust but aren't bound to you for life: emotionally intimate friends, healthy family members, a romantic partner who's proven themselves over time but hasn't made a lifelong commitment yet.

3. Trusted — good friends, healthy family, mentors, long-term serious dating partners.

4. Friendly — people you enjoy but haven't built deep trust with yet: new friends, casual friends, extended family, new dating relationships.

5. Acquaintance — coworkers, neighbors, new people.

6. Public — strangers, service workers, the general public.

7. No Access — people who no longer get access to your life because staying in contact is incompatible with your wellbeing, safety, or values.

The Seven Levels of Access

Now that I had my circles divided up, I could flesh each one out - what type of access does each person actually get, and what does that boundary actually look like in practice?

Covenant

is reserved for the people bound to me permanently and “unconditionally” — a spouse, a lifelong best friend. I use quotes here for “unconditionally”, because all relationships can shift and change, and sometimes they should. I still chose the word “unconditional” because these relationship have a deep level of commitment and have proven themselves over a long period of time. Getting here requires extraordinary integrity, maturity, the ability to repair conflict, shared values, and long-term consistency proven over years, not months. These are the people who get full life partnership: a shared future, shared resources, shared everything, and full physical intimacy.

Inner Circle

is for people who are trustworthy, are protective of me, who love me, and are invested in me, who are safe and consistent, but who haven't made (or aren't in a position to make) a lifelong commitment the way Covenant people have. This is close, emotionally intimate friends, healthy family, or a romantic partner who has earned deep trust over real time. They get access to my fears, my dreams, some of my finances if/when appropriate, my big life decisions, and mutual influence over each other's lives.

Trusted Circle

is good friends, healthy family, mentors, and long-term dating partners. These are people who can handle disagreement without falling apart, who own their mistakes, who add calm and celebration to my life, and who show honesty and wisdom consistently. They get honest conversations, my struggles, my time, my home, and mutual support.

Friendly Circle

covers people I genuinely enjoy but who haven't earned deep trust yet. This could be new friends, casual friends, extended family, new dating relationships, or the consistent-but-not-close people in my life like a tennis partner, a dance class partner, a teacher, etc. Here Im watching for whether they're consistent, kind, generous, respectful of my boundaries, and don't gossip. They get shared hobbies, shared meals, some personal conversation, and invitations into my everyday life.

Acquaintances

This tier could contain colleagues, neighbors, new people - anyone who's friendly and open but who I don't yet know well enough to place anywhere else. They get pleasant conversation, general information, my everyday kindness, and professional interaction.

Public

is strangers, service workers, the general public - anyone with no established relationship to me at all. There's no criteria to meet here because there's no relationship yet. They get cordial, pleasant, short interactions, and physically, little to nothing - maybe a handshake.

No Access

No Access or “No Contact” (ie NC”) is for people who've shown patterns of lies, dishonesty, emotional or physical abuse, manipulation, or repeated violated boundaries. This tier means no amount of intimacy or personal information, no interaction unless absolutely required, and no expectation of reconciliation. These people have shown themselves to be dangerous to me, either physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, etc. These people cannot be appropriately put in the “acquaintance” tier or the “public” tier and require a firmer boundary.

Physical Intimacy Boundaries

A word on the physical layer, since it's easy to skim past: access isn't just emotional, it's physical too. Who you let touch you, and how, is one of the clearest signals of what tier someone's actually in, whether you've consciously decided that or not. But I want to be really clear here: where you draw these physical lines is an extremely personal decision, and there is no universal right answer. Your own culture, values, religious faith, past trauma, and social norms all shape what feels appropriate at each level, and yours might look completely different from mine or anyone else’s. This is a wonderful concept to explore with your own therapist!

Creating Your Own Boundaries

What I've created here isn't a rulebook, its simply a general guideline and tool I created for myself. Yours will look different, and it should, built from your own values, your own history, your own life. But if you find yourself running the pros and cons list for the hundredth time, wondering whether to give someone another chance, remember that the question isn’t really “are they a good person?” It's what they've actually shown you they've earned. And if you're the one holding tight to an internal commitment you made back when the friendship looked completely different, you're allowed to notice that the person isn't the one standing in front of you now. You are always allowed to change your mind, and adjust when given new information. Access isn't something you owe people. It's something you steward.

One of the most common stressors wives share in therapy relates to their spouses. Now, before you think I'm about to start bashing men and blaming husbands, I ask that you hold on for a bit. This is not that. I'm actually going much deeper into the pattern, because it's far more complex than what it appears on the surface.

What I hear from her: "I do EVERYTHING. I take care of the house, I take care of the kids, I work full time (maybe even the spouse with the primary income). He said he would take care of the yard, but I have to remind him to do that. He says he will cook dinner three nights a week, but he leaves a mess for me to clean up, and it's not food I want, so now I just prepare my own snack or skip dinner all together. I want him to plan! I want him to take INITIATIVE! I'm doing everything, and then he doesn't get it when I'm 'not in the mood' for sex."

Some of the time women are surprised they are not the only one with this problem. Some of the time they are well aware, because their friends have the same complaints and they assume all men are just this way. But almost every woman is unaware of the dance she is doing with her husband that keeps his behavior (or lack of behavior!) cemented into place.

Let me explain.

The System Theory

There is a theory in psychology that humans in a system behave as any system of cause and effect would. In systems theory, no emotion, behavior, lack of behavior, or symptom exists in isolation. Anything that looks like "one person's problem" is usually the system's way of managing tension, distributed across the entire system.

A great visual example of this is a infants mobile, hanging above a crib. If you move any sphere, the whole system adapts. This means that even a "dysfunctional" system is still functioning. Maybe not in an ideal way, but it will adjust to any unhealthy dynamic and create more unhealthy dynamics to balance things out. Essentially, nature hates a vacuum. If one part is "under-functioning," another part, to cope with the vacuum, will over-function.

You Are Part Of A System

So what is the solution, you might ask? To create change, multiple parts of the system must change. Or put another way, multiple people in the system must change. That is because the problem is not a problem with your husband, necessarily. It is a problem with the system. It is a problem with codependency. A dysfunctional system requires, at its core, two dysfunctional people.

Okay, now you are mad at me. You just heard me say it's your fault your husband doesn't clean the counters after he cooks. Hold on, stick with me here!

Co-Dependent Patterns

Im not saying you are co-dependent, necessarily. Im saying if there is a stuck pattern, there is behavior on both sides that is keeping the pattern stuck. The PROBLEM is dependent on the behavior and perspective of each person. Thus, the continued conflict is due to co-dependents behavior and perspectives form each person.

Stephen Karpman did great work around this idea. He shows the connection between the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. What I love about his work is that it is PRACTICAL. No matter which role you find yourself in, there are next steps to address the system. Here is a brief definition of each role. (Note, each role's problem boils down to a BOUNDARY problem!)

Persecutor: The person in this role causes the pain, whether intentional or unintentional, well-intentioned or poorly intentioned. This could be a bully, or someone unaware of how their actions or inactions cause pain. It is often someone attempting to show "tough love." The boundary problem here is that they are crossing over into someone else's space, metaphorically. They are no longer standing in their circle. They have stepped out, and crossed someone else's lines.

Victim: The person in this role is either 1) being hurt, or 2) sees themselves as stuck and helpless. The boundary problem here is that they lack boundaries within themselves. Either poor expectations of themselves, low self-worth, or low self-actualization. They must have boundaries within themselves to no longer be "stuck and helpless," but be able to enact change for themselves and in their lives.

Rescuer: This is the person who "protects" the victim from the persecutor. They often see themselves as doing good, helping, as kind-hearted and well-intentioned, but they also are enabling and keeping the system from becoming healthy. The rescuer is the person who jumps into the ocean to rescue someone, but ends up drowning themselves. The boundary problem here is they are so focused on someone else, they do not take care of themselves. The rescuer needs to prioritize their own wellbeing, and if someone asks for help, they coach from the sidelines, not run onto the field to do the work for the other person.

So which are you? Often the wife waffles between all three. Perhaps she feels like the victim, oppressed by her husband. Or perhaps she has become the persecutor through "nagging," trying to force changed behavior on his part. Often she is the rescuer, enabling the current pattern by doing it all herself so her husband never feels the repercussions of not doing his part. You likely find that you have stepped into each role at some point in your relationship, in an attempt to create change. I suspect you have viewed your spouse in a few of these roles as well at times, depending on the conflict patterns the two of you tend towards.

How To Change The Pattern

So what does this mean for you?

First, these patterns are extremely difficult to navigate, particularly on your own. I suggest engaging the assistance of a professional who can help you both navigate these tricky dynamics and the intense emotions lying beneath the surface. It's very easy to start making some changes and then find your dynamic gets worse. Systems like homeostasis. The system resists change, even good change, because they're organized around a certain balance. That's why one person's growth can trigger pushback and cause things to escalate. Get. Into. Couples. Therapy.

But for learning purposes:

Step One: Focus on yourself.

Are you taking care of your basic needs? Are you focused on your own wellbeing? Are you moving your body, talking with friends, engaged in meaningful work (paid or unpaid)? If not, this is your first step. This one matters more than it looks like it does. Remember, the victim's boundary problem from earlier isn't a boundary with someone else, it's a boundary within yourself. Low self-worth, low self-actualization, poor expectations of your own life. Taking care of yourself first isn't selfish. It's the foundation for any meaningful change.

Step Two: Decide what you have energy for.

Decide what your priorities are. You cannot, CANNOT, manage everyone on your own. You were never meant to. Stop spending energy trying to control everything. Choose what truly aligns with your values and let the rest have natural consequences. You must decide what you will drop. I encourage you to make a list of the things you will not allow yourself to care about any longer. What will YOU focus on that will not build resentment? This might mean what matters to you most is a clean bathroom and a clean bedroom, and you decide to let the attic and the garage go. You make a conscious decision that you will not spend energy toward that. How could you? You have too many other good things going on in your life (see Step One). Or perhaps you decide what matters most is hosting people in your home, so you keep it simple with frozen vegetables and a rotisserie chicken on paper plates, and your house isn't perfect when people come over. You make a conscious decision to focus on the relationships, not the clutter in the corner. How could you? You have too many good things going on in your life.

One thing to expect here: this will feel worse before it feels better. You already know systems like homeostasis. They resist change. So when you stop over-functioning, don't be surprised if you feel anxious or guilty. That discomfort isn't necessarily a sign you're doing something wrong. It can be a sign the system is being asked to adjust.

Step Three: Communicate the shift, then divide responsibilities.

Speak with your spouse about the division of tasks. Get cristal clearn on what is whose responsability, then stick to that. You can only control YOUR behavior, so focus on that. Focus on what is in your control: your behavior, your words, you attitude. Commit to no enabeling. "You said you'd do this" is a reminder, and reminders are just nagging with better manners. Say it, then stick to your part and let it go.

Let the people in your life experience discomfort, let them experience natural consequences. Maybe some dishes pile up. Maybe the yard gets shaggy. Let people in your life fail as they grow, without rescuing them. That isn't to say you can't act as an advisor, but you must focus on your own wellbeing.

Important note: your spouse will not have the same values as you do! He very well may not care about dishes in the sink, or grass that's a little long. There is nothing wrong with that. You have chosen to live a life with someone who has different values and priorities than you do, and that is perfectly okay. It's important to fill your life with good things, focus on yourself, and stop playing your part in keeping the system stuck.

Bringing It All Together

None of this works if you try to do it in isolation, which is a little ironic, since isolation is exactly what got the system stuck in the first place. The persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer aren't three different people. They're three roles the same people cycles through, sometimes in the same week, sometimes in the same conversation. The way out isn't picking the "right" role to play. It's building boundaries, both with yourself, and with the people you love, so that you're not defaulting into any of them.

This is genuinely hard to do alone, and it's harder still to do inside the relationship where the pattern formed. Most couples don't get stuck because they don't love each other. They get stuck because the system found a balance a long time ago, and nobody's shown them how to rebuild it into something healthier.

If any of this sounds like your relationship, you don't have to figure it out through trial and error. Schedule a consultation, whether that's couples therapy to work through this together, or individual therapy to start untangling your own part in the pattern first. Either way, it's a real place to start.

The intricate dance of co-dependent relationships often unfolds within the framework of the Karpman Triangle, also known as the "Drama Triangle." This psychological model, crafted by Stephen Karpman, sheds light on the complex dynamics that characterize co-dependent interactions. At its core, the triangle identifies three central roles— the Victim, the Rescuer, and the Persecutor—each contributing to a toxic cycle. Escaping this drama triangle of co-dependency is all about recognizing your role in the drama triangle, and shifting to a more functional position.