If you've been in a relationship for any amount of time, you probably know what it's like to have the same argument more than once.

Maybe it starts with something small.

One person didn't do something they said they would do. Someone came home later than expected. One of you wanted to spend time together and the other wanted some time alone.

And then, somehow, you're having that argument again.

I've had many couples tell me some version of, “We don't even know how we get here. We start talking about one thing, and suddenly we're fighting about everything.”

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, there is often a reason for this.

The problem isn't necessarily the topic you're arguing about. More often, it's the pattern the two of you get pulled into.

The Pattern Becomes the Problem

Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT and author of Hold Me Tight, describes these patterns as negative cycles.

One partner says something, the other reacts, and then the first person reacts to that reaction. Before long, both people are upset and neither feels understood.

One partner feels disconnected and reaches for the other. They may ask questions, bring up the problem repeatedly, or become frustrated because they aren't getting the response they're looking for.

The other partner feels overwhelmed by the conversation and pulls back. They get quiet, leave the room, or try to end the conversation.

Unfortunately, this usually makes the first partner even more anxious. They pursue harder, which makes the other person want to get away even more.

This leaves you both feeling stuck with neither of you getting what you actually want.

There's Usually More Going On

One of the things I appreciate about EFT is that it asks us to look underneath the behavior.

The partner who is asking, “Why don't you ever talk to me?” may actually be asking, “Do I matter to you?”

The partner who says, “I can't do this right now,” may actually be feeling, “I'm afraid I'm going to make this worse. I don't know how to make you happy.”

Those are very different conversations. 

So How Do You Get Out of It?

The first step isn't necessarily learning to communicate better.

It's learning to recognize your cycle.

I often encourage couples to start noticing what happens right before things fall apart.

• Who reaches for the other person?

• What does that look like?

• What happens next? What do you tell yourself about your partner's reaction?

• And, perhaps most importantly, what are you feeling underneath your frustration?

You may discover that your anger is covering hurt. Or that your silence is covering fear. Or that your criticism is really a desperate attempt to feel important to your partner.

Once you can see the pattern, you can start talking about the pattern instead of just fighting about whatever happened that day.

Sometimes simply being able to say, “I think we're doing our thing again,” can change the direction of a conversation.

You Don't Have to Stop Fighting

I don't think healthy relationships are relationships where couples never argue.

You're going to disagree.

You're going to annoy each other.

You're going to have days when you don't understand each other very well.

The difference is whether you can find your way back to one another.

The goal isn't perfection.

It's learning to recognize when the two of you are getting pulled into a cycle and remembering that your partner isn't the enemy.

The cycle is the problem.

And once you start seeing it that way, there's an opportunity to do something different.