Understanding Grief: Supporting Children and Healing Your Inner Child
Understanding Grief:
Supporting Children and Healing Your Inner Child
Grief is a universal experience. At some point in life, all of us encounter it, no matter our age. While we often hope children can be spared from such pain, grief is inevitable for them too, and they go through their own grieving process. Because children are human, just like us, they naturally respond to loss—but their grief may look very different from ours. Instead of sadness, confusion might take center stage, and their reactions may not seem “socially appropriate” to adults. Think about how hard it is at 35 to put grief into words—now imagine trying to do that at five.
Maybe you were five when you lost someone important: a grandparent, a pet, a parent, or a friend. What was that like for you? Did you understand what was happening? Were you frightened by the big emotions of the adults around you? Did you wonder what “a better place” meant when everyone said that’s where your loved one had gone? Maybe you kept looking in the backyard, waiting for your dog to come back. Maybe you asked again and again if you would still see your grandmother at Christmas. Or maybe your whole life shifted—like moving in with your dad because your mom was no longer there to care for you. Children are resilient and intuitive, but they still feel the sharp pain of these experiences, even if they show it in ways we don’t always recognize.
Supporting Children
Children often don’t have the words or life experience to understand what’s happening around them. That’s why honesty and connection are so important. Giving clear, age-appropriate explanations helps them make sense of the loss without adding confusion. Avoid vague phrases like “gone away” or “in a better place,” which can leave them feeling lost or misled.
Equally important is connection—taking time to sit with children, listen to their questions, and reassure them that they are not alone. Just being present, even when you don’t have all the answers, gives them the safety they need to start processing their grief. It also helps for children to see adults expressing their own emotions. This normalizes feelings and lets them know it’s okay to have strong emotions.
Emotional management is a skill children learn by example. Talking about feelings is helpful, but so are activities that let them safely release emotions, like exercise, art, singing, or cooking. These practices can help calm intense emotions and give children tools to cope with grief in healthy ways.
Its Not Always About Death
While death is often the first thing we think of when we hear the word “grief,” children grieve many kinds of losses. Divorce, moving to a new home, changing schools, losing a pet, or not making the baseball team can all bring up deep feelings of sadness, fear, or insecurity. To a child, these changes may feel just as big as a death does to an adult. A move might feel like losing a whole world of friends and familiar places. Divorce can feel like the loss of stability and family unity. Not making the team can feel like all chances of feeling accepted by peers are gone. Recognizing that children grieve many different kinds of losses allows us to support them more fully, instead of minimizing what they’re going through.
Tools to Help Your Inner Child Heal
Sometimes, supporting children through grief stirs up memories of the child you once were—the one who didn’t get the chance to fully grieve. The one who kept wondering when their grandmother was going to come visit again with her warm hugs and delicious cookies. Pausing to reflect on your own inner child can be a powerful way to heal. You might ask yourself: What did I need most when I was grieving as a child? What words or comfort would have helped me feel safe? What emotions did I hide because no one seemed to understand? Journaling, therapy, or simply sitting with these questions can bring compassion to the parts of you that never had space to grieve. By tending to your inner child, you also strengthen your ability to show up with empathy and patience for the grieving children in your life today.
