1. Understanding Grief: A Journey Through the Waves of Loss

Grief is the natural human response to significant loss. It is an entirely individualized and unique experience that can feel profoundly physical in nature. Writing or talking about grief can be particularly difficult, as there are often no words that fully capture the depth of the experience. You may find that when you try to express yourself or connect with someone else about your grief, your words fail you. In such moments, simply being present with your physical and emotional experience (and with trusted, loved ones) can be enough.

One of the most confusing, difficult, and painful parts of grief is grappling with the fact that the person you knew, loved, or even had a complicated relationship with is gone forever. Our brains have a hard time comprehending this. You might catch yourself reaching for your phone to call them or walking through the front door with the familiar hope that they’ll be waiting for you, only to be reminded that they’re no longer there. This unique experience is not only gut-wrenching, but it can also be frustrating — and at times, even bizarre. How could this person just be gone forever?

One popular framework for understanding grief is the well-known “stages of grief.” These stages provide a map to help people make sense of the emotional turbulence they’re experiencing. The commonly referenced stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Recently, a sixth stage, “meaning-making,” has gained attention and research. While these stages are common emotional responses, it’s important to understand that they don’t follow a rigid, “one size fits all” pattern. Grief is not a linear journey; the stages are often fluid and may not appear in a predictable order.

Rather than seeing grief as a checklist of stages — 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 — it’s more helpful to view it as an ongoing, sometimes lifelong experience. These emotional cycles tend to come in waves. In the early stages, they can feel overwhelming, crashing down and leaving you struggling to find solid ground. Over time, however, the intensity may lessen, with grief coming in gentler, more manageable waves. Sometimes it will feel like a powerful tide, while other times it may ebb and flow softly.

The emotional cycles of grief often mirror the well-known stages: shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In shock, you may experience denial or isolation as your mind tries to process the loss. Anger may arise — directed at yourself, the person who is gone, or even at a higher power or the universe for taking them away. Bargaining can involve endless “what ifs,” as you mentally replay events and wonder how different actions could have changed the outcome: “If only I’d gone to that third doctor for another opinion… I could have saved them.” The depressive phase may bring feelings of helplessness, overwhelm, and despair. Finally, acceptance represents a more peaceful emotional reckoning with the loss, where you acknowledge the grief and the accompanying feelings. Throughout this process, you may also experience irritability, confusion, numbness, and fight-or-flight responses as your nervous system reacts to the trauma of loss.

It’s essential to remember that grief is inherently traumatic and activating to our nervous systems. This means that both our bodies and minds are under intense strain as we process our emotions. Because of this, it's crucial to avoid self-judgment or judgment of others during these already difficult times. Everyone grieves and processes loss differently, so we must cultivate acceptance for ourselves and others as we navigate the journey. Some people may throw themselves into work, others might appear to be falling apart. Some might attempt to escape their emotions, while others may push everything down. All of these responses are valid, as long as we find ways to connect with others, reflect on our experiences, and express our grief when we’re ready.

Ultimately, grief is a deeply personal and transformative process. It may not follow a set timeline, and it’s unlikely to fit neatly into predefined stages. Instead, it will flow in its own way, shaped by your unique relationship to the person or thing you’ve lost. The key to healing is patience with yourself, acceptance of your emotions, and the understanding that it’s okay to grieve in your own time and on your own terms.