Non Death Loss and Disenfranchised Grief

Grief isn’t only about losing someone to death. We grieve in countless ways throughout life—when we lose jobs, relationships, opportunities, or dreams. We grieve the childhood experiences we never had, or when friendships shift and change. We grieve when camp ends and we say goodbye to friends, or when aging bodies no longer allow us to do the things we once loved. Every loss, whether small or life-changing, invites its own grieving process. Sometimes it’s brief, sometimes it’s long, but in every case, grief helps us process what happened and move forward.

Unfortunately, this perspective isn’t always common. Many people respond to loss by saying, “Just move on! That’s life. Don’t make such a big deal out of it!” But grieving doesn’t always mean breaking down or being consumed by sadness. At its heart, grief is about honoring what was lost and allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come with it. This expression—whether through tears, reflection, or even creative outlets—opens the door to healing.

What Is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief happens when someone’s grief isn’t seen as valid or acceptable by others. When grief is dismissed or judged, people often end up grieving in isolation. They may push their feelings down, ignore them, or convince themselves they don’t deserve to grieve at all. This makes grief much harder to process.

Grief naturally moves in waves, but when it’s invalidated, it’s as if a dam is built that blocks its flow. Instead of easing over time, emotions pile up and become muddled, making it difficult to find clarity or healing.

“It Could Have Been Worse”

A common way grief is disenfranchised is through the phrase, “It could have been worse.” Consider the example of a miscarriage in the first trimester. A grieving parent may share their pain, only to hear, “Thank God—it was still early!” While intended to comfort, this response minimizes the experience of loss and suggests that grief isn’t justified. Instead of easing pain, it adds shame and isolation.

Grief That Feels “Less Deserving”

Sometimes grief is dismissed because others assume you shouldn’t be so upset. This might happen when you lose someone you “weren’t that close to,” like a coworker or distant relative. You might even dismiss your own feelings, believing you have no right to grieve.

Another example is grieving a person you had a complicated history with, such as an ex-spouse or someone you wronged. For instance, if you divorced your first spouse after an affair, you may still grieve deeply at their death. The relationship may have been painful or messy, but that doesn’t erase the natural grief that comes when someone significant in your life is gone.

Grief Beyond Death

Not all grief is tied to death. Chronic pain, illness, or changes in physical ability can also bring deep loss. You may no longer be able to enjoy activities that once defined you—basketball, dancing, running, or other passions. Chronic illness might force you to let go of career aspirations or change the way you care for yourself, leaving you with feelings of lost control and safety.

These experiences can be painful enough on their own, but they’re often made harder when others can’t see or understand them. People may say things like, “At least you’re alive!” While meant to encourage, this response can feel dismissive. Just because others can’t see the grief of living with illness doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

Self-Disenfranchised Grief

Perhaps the most common form of disenfranchised grief is the kind we place on ourselves. It’s easy to think, “Other people have it worse,” or to assume our feelings aren’t valid. We may also anticipate that others won’t understand and silence ourselves before we’re ever dismissed.

But grief doesn’t need to be justified. It doesn’t have to look a certain way or meet anyone’s expectations. Grief is unique to each person and each loss. The healthiest way forward is to allow yourself to feel it, without judgment or comparison.

Closing Thoughts

Grief shows up in many forms—some obvious, others hidden. Whether tied to death, illness, relationships, or unspoken losses, every grief matters. When we minimize or deny it—whether others do it to us or we do it to ourselves—we only deepen the pain. But when we allow grief to exist, we give ourselves permission to heal.

Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting. It means making space for what was lost while continuing to live fully in the present. By honoring grief in all its forms, we not only heal ourselves, but we also learn to extend empathy and compassion to those around us who are carrying invisible losses of their own.

Understanding Grief: Supporting Children and Healing Your Inner Child

Grief is a universal experience. At some point in life, all of us encounter it, no matter our age. While we often hope children can be spared from such pain, grief is inevitable for them too, and they go through their own grieving process. Because children are human, just like us, they naturally respond to loss—but their grief may look very different from ours. Instead of sadness, confusion might take center stage, and their reactions may not seem “socially appropriate” to adults. Think about how hard it is at 35 to put grief into words—now imagine trying to do that at five.

Maybe you were five when you lost someone important: a grandparent, a pet, a parent, or a friend. What was that like for you? Did you understand what was happening? Were you frightened by the big emotions of the adults around you? Did you wonder what “a better place” meant when everyone said that’s where your loved one had gone? Maybe you kept looking in the backyard, waiting for your dog to come back. Maybe you asked again and again if you would still see your grandmother at Christmas. Or maybe your whole life shifted—like moving in with your dad because your mom was no longer there to care for you. Children are resilient and intuitive, but they still feel the sharp pain of these experiences, even if they show it in ways we don’t always recognize.

Supporting Children
Children often don’t have the words or life experience to understand what’s happening around them. That’s why honesty and connection are so important. Giving clear, age-appropriate explanations helps them make sense of the loss without adding confusion. Avoid vague phrases like “gone away” or “in a better place,” which can leave them feeling lost or misled.

Equally important is connection—taking time to sit with children, listen to their questions, and reassure them that they are not alone. Just being present, even when you don’t have all the answers, gives them the safety they need to start processing their grief. It also helps for children to see adults expressing their own emotions. This normalizes feelings and lets them know it’s okay to have strong emotions.

Emotional management is a skill children learn by example. Talking about feelings is helpful, but so are activities that let them safely release emotions, like exercise, art, singing, or cooking. These practices can help calm intense emotions and give children tools to cope with grief in healthy ways.

Children’s grief isn’t always about death
While death is often the first thing we think of when we hear the word “grief,” children grieve many kinds of losses. Divorce, moving to a new home, changing schools, losing a pet, or not making the baseball team can all bring up deep feelings of sadness, fear, or insecurity. To a child, these changes may feel just as big as a death does to an adult. A move might feel like losing a whole world of friends and familiar places. Divorce can feel like the loss of stability and family unity. Not making the team can feel like all chances of feeling accepted by peers are gone. Recognizing that children grieve many different kinds of losses allows us to support them more fully, instead of minimizing what they’re going through.

Reflexive prompts for your inner child that wasn’t able to grieve
Sometimes, supporting children through grief stirs up memories of the child you once were—the one who didn’t get the chance to fully grieve. The one who kept wondering when their grandmother was going to come visit again with her warm hugs and delicious cookies. Pausing to reflect on your own inner child can be a powerful way to heal. You might ask yourself: What did I need most when I was grieving as a child? What words or comfort would have helped me feel safe? What emotions did I hide because no one seemed to understand? Journaling, therapy, or simply sitting with these questions can bring compassion to the parts of you that never had space to grieve. By tending to your inner child, you also strengthen your ability to show up with empathy and patience for the grieving children in your life today.