How to Create a Values-Based Life

LIving Out of Alignment with Your Values

When you’re living a life that feels out of alignment with your values, it’s common to feel less satisfied, less fulfilled, and more disconnected from yourself. Over time, this misalignment can take a toll on both your mental and physical health. When we’re focused solely on getting everything done, it’s easy to move through life in survival mode—checking off boxes on endless, small-orbit to-do lists without ever pausing to ask whether the life we’re building actually fits who we are.

As a therapist, I often notice that clients’ mental health symptoms become increasingly more distressing the further they drift from a life that feels authentic to them. Whether it’s staying in a job that doesn’t feel right because it looks impressive or “worthy” to others, hiding parts of yourself in a relationship because you don’t feel safe being fully seen, or living in constant burnout because you believe you have to do everything, misalignment often fuels anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. When our lives don’t reflect our values, our nervous systems are constantly working overtime to compensate.

Identifying Your Core Values and What Truly Matters to You

One of my favorite ways to help clients reconnect with themselves is by asking reflective questions like: 

• When do you feel most like yourself?

  or 

• When were you most joyful as a child? 

I also ask clients to notice what those memories felt like in their bodies. 

• Did you love building and creating imaginary worlds? 

• Did you feel alive dancing, moving, or playing outside? 

• Were your favorite memories centered around family, neighbors, or community? 

These questions often reveal what our hearts truly long for, ie more creativity, connection, time in nature, teamwork, or meaningful relationships. Once we identify those longings, the next step becomes figuring out how to invite more of them into everyday life.

Creating Balance Between Work, Relationships, and Personal Well-Being

Another important area to explore is balance. 

• In what areas of your life do you feel depleted or out of sync? 

• Are you working too many hours? 

• Have you lost touch with the motivators that once inspired you? 

• Are you so focused on caring for others that there’s little room left for yourself, or

• Are external pressures pulling you away from the people you value most? 

Creating a wellness wheel that looks at different areas of life, such as work, relationships, rest, creativity, and health, can help clarify where imbalance exists and where you’d like to shift your focus. From there, set realistic goals to nourish these areas once or twice a week and intentionally build them into your routine. Let those priorities come first, and allow your to-do list to follow.

Making Small, Intentional Changes to Live in Alignment

You’ll know you’re living more in alignment with your values when you begin to feel more motivated, at ease, and “in the flow.” This doesn’t mean stress disappears, but it does mean there’s more purpose and more outlets that help you feel like yourself. 

You might be reading this and thinking, This sounds great, but I can’t change my job right now - and that may very well be true. While some situations do require larger shifts, alignment is often built through small, intentional changes that create momentum. Could you schedule a few more meetings in person to foster human connection? Is there room to advocate for more creative or meaningful work within your current role? Re-aligning often involves some discomfort, whether the changes are small or significant, but that discomfort is frequently a sign of growth. Over time, these intentional shifts tend to support greater balance, resilience, and overall functioning.

Re-Aligning Your Life With Your Values Over Time

Whether the pressure comes from unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves or perceived expectations from others, it’s easy to slowly shape a life that no longer feels congruent with who we are. Re-alignment begins with awareness, and grows through small, intentional choices that honor what truly matters to you.

Why You Self-Sabotage When You’re Overwhelmed

We all know the feeling; you finally sit down to do the thing you’ve been putting off, and suddenly you’re scrolling, cleaning, snacking, picking a fight, or shutting down completely. Later, the shame creeps in: Why do I keep sabotaging myself when I know better? If this feels familiar, you’re not broken and you’re not lazy. What looks like self-sabotage is often your nervous system trying (imperfectly) to protect you when you’re overwhelmed.

Self-Sabotage Is a Stress Response

When life feels manageable, your brain can more easily plan, prioritize, find creative solutions, and follow through. But when demands pile up emotionally, mentally, or logistically, your nervous system can flip into survival mode. In states of emotional and physical overwhelm, the brain shifts away from the parts responsible for long-term thinking and toward parts focused on immediate relief. That’s when behaviors that don’t make logical sense show up:

• Avoiding tasks you care about

• Procrastinating until the pressure explodes

• Not finishing a task because the result isn’t perfect

• Numbing out with screens, food, or substances

• Picking fights or withdrawing from relationships

• Quitting just before progress becomes visible

These patterns aren’t failures of willpower. They’re coping skills that our brains learned a long time ago. Initially, they were successful in relieving emotional distress, at least temporarily. But over time, these coping mechanisms begin to hurt us more than they help us.

Why Overwhelm Triggers Self-Sabotage

Overwhelm creates a sense of feeling too much: too many emotions, too many expectations, too much responsibility, too much pressure. When that internal load exceeds what feels tolerable, your system looks for an escape hatch. Self-sabotaging behaviors often serve one (or more) of these unconscious purposes:

• Avoiding emotional overload: Not starting means not risking failure, disappointment, or criticism.

• Creating control: If you “ruin” things yourself, at least it feels predictable.

• Reducing pressure: Quitting or disengaging can temporarily lower expectations, both external and internal.

• Protecting against collapse: Your body may be signaling, I can’t hold all of this right now.

Seen this way, self-sabotage isn’t self-hatred, it’s a nervous system surrendering and asking for help.

The Shame Cycle Makes It Worse

Unfortunately, what often follows self-sabotage is harsh self-talk: What’s wrong with me? I should be able to handle this. I should know better by now. I’m a failure.

Shame increases stress, which fuels more overwhelm, which reinforces the cycle. Without intervention, people can start to believe the story that they’re “bad at follow-through” or “always the problem,” when the real issue is unaddressed capacity limits.

Healthier Coping Skills for Overwhelm

For many of us, the natural response is to become more critical and push ourselves harder. Unfortunately, this strategy rarely works. Breaking the cycle doesn’t start with forcing productivity, it starts with responding differently to overwhelm. Rather than always white knuckling it, here are some tips to try when you find yourself self-sabotaging.

1. Name the overwhelm early
   Tuning into your emotions, catching the feelings sooner, and naming it (“I’m feeling overwhelmed”) prevents your system from needing extreme coping strategies later.

2. Shrink the task
   Overwhelm decreases when demands feel doable. Ask yourself: What is the smallest next step? Don’t try to solve the entire problem or complete the project, just identify one step you can take. Any forward motion will pull you out of task paralysis.

3. Build in nervous system regulation
   Gentle movement, slow breathing, journaling, or grounding exercises before tasks can restore access to higher-level thinking.

4. Replace judgment with curiosity
   Instead of “Why am I like this?” try “What feels threatening or exhausting about this right now?”

5. Ask yourself what you need
   In times of overwhelm, we have needs that are not being met. You may feel exhausted and need a nap or feel depleted and need a hug from a loved one. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now, even if I don’t think I’m allowed to need it?”

6. Get support before burnout hits
   Working with a therapist can help identify your specific overwhelm patterns and develop coping skills that don’t backfire.

Reframe: Signaling instead of Self-sabotaging

When you self-sabotage during overwhelm, your system is communicating a need: for rest, boundaries, support, or emotional safety. Learning to listen to that signal, rather than punishing it, is where real change happens. If you find yourself stuck in this cycle, therapy can help you understand why it shows up for you and how to respond with compassion instead of force. Sustainable change doesn’t come from pushing harder, it comes from feeling safer and more supported as you move forward.

Understanding the Nervous System’s Protective Role

Our nervous system plays a vital role in how we move through the world. It helps us respond to our environment, keeps us safe, and supports our ability to connect and function day to day. At times, feeling overwhelmed, reactive, or even shut down is exactly what the nervous system is designed to do so we can respond to what’s happening around us. However, our nervous systems can also become overloaded and mobilized for danger. When this happens, the nervous system responds based on perceived threat, whether or not that threat is actually present, causing non-threatening cues to feel unsafe.

When Protection Feels Like Overreaction

When your nervous system reacts more intensely than you’d like, it can feel disappointing, but it’s not a failure; it’s simply your body working very hard to protect you and misidentifying the current environment as unsafe. Daily micro-regulation techniques can help teach your nervous system that the present moment is safer than past experiences. Rather than relying on big, occasional interventions, we can support our nervous system through small, consistent practices woven into everyday life.

What Micro-Regulation Is (and What It Isn’t)

Micro-regulation refers to brief, intentional actions that help the nervous system return to balance. These are not meant to eliminate stress or emotion, but to gently guide the body back toward safety and flexibility. It’s important to distinguish regulation from suppression. Regulation allows sensations and emotions to move through the body without overwhelm; suppression pushes them down, often increasing tension over time. Similarly, coping helps you get through a hard moment, while capacity-building expands your nervous system’s ability to tolerate stress in the future. Micro-regulation does both. It also meets you where you are and is accessible during your daily activities.

Learning to Notice Early Nervous System Cues

Early awareness makes regulation easier. Common signs of sympathetic activation (fight/flight) include muscle tension, shallow breathing, racing thoughts, irritability, or a sense of urgency. Dorsal shutdown (freeze/collapse) may show up as numbness, heaviness, low energy, disconnection, or difficulty thinking clearly. The key is noticing these cues early—before overwhelm escalates. Practice observing your body with curiosity rather than judgment. These signals are information, not personal shortcomings.

Daily Micro-Regulation Techniques You Can Use Anywhere

Regulating Through the Body

Orienting: Gently name what you see, hear, or feel around you. This reminds the nervous system that you are here, now, and safe.
Temperature shifts: Warm your hands, hold a warm mug, or splash cool water on your face. Temperature changes can quickly shift nervous system states.
Progressive muscle relaxation: Briefly tense and release muscle groups to reduce stored tension.
Gentle movement: Stretching, rocking, swaying, or taking a short walk can help the body complete stress cycles. Movement allows built-up energy to move through rather than get stuck.

Regulating Through Breath

Focus on longer exhales, which signal safety to the body.
Box breathing: inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for six
Think of breath as information, not control. You’re offering cues of safety, not forcing calm.

Sensory-Based Regulation

Touch: A self-hug, hand on the chest, or textured object can be grounding.
Sound: Soft music, humming, or gentle rhythm can soothe the nervous system.
Visual cues: Surround yourself with images or spaces that signal comfort and familiarity.

Consistency, Compassion, and When to Seek Support

When it comes to nervous system regulation, consistency matters more than perfection. Safety is learned through repetition; small moments of support offered again and again. Your nervous system is adaptable, responsive, and capable of change. However, if micro-regulation isn’t enough, that’s okay. Sometimes our systems need deeper, relational support to heal. Reaching out to a therapist or trusted professional is not a failure but another way of honoring your body’s wisdom and need for care.

Emotional Capacity vs. Willpower: The Secret to Actually Changing Habits

When people struggle to achieve their goals, they often find themselves thinking, “I just need more discipline,” or “If I really wanted this, I’d try harder.” When habits don’t stick, many of us assume the problem is a lack of motivation or willpower. But habit change is rarely that simple. Difficulties with consistency are not usually about laziness or lack of effort. More often, the missing piece is emotional capacity, not willpower.

Why “Trying Harder” So Often Fails

Willpower is often praised as the gold standard of change. We push, restrict, and pressure ourselves to follow through. And sometimes, it works, but typically briefly. When willpower inevitably runs out, self-blame tends to take over. This cycle can leave people feeling discouraged and broken, even though nothing is actually wrong with them. The truth is that sustainable habit change depends far more on our capacity to tolerate stress and emotion than on our ability to force ourselves to comply.

Defining the Two Concepts

Willpower is like a single muscle in the body. It relies on conscious control, self-denial, and overriding internal signals. While it can be strengthened to a degree, it requires constant effort to maintain. Because of this, willpower works best in low-stress conditions or when our focus is narrow. Like any muscle that is overused, willpower fatigues and eventually gives out. This isn’t a personal failure; it is simply how the brain and nervous system operate.

Emotional capacity, on the other hand, refers to the broader system. It is the ability to experience discomfort, emotion, and stress without shutting down or reacting impulsively. Capacity is rooted in nervous system regulation, emotional safety, and past experiences with stress and support. Importantly, emotional capacity is not fixed. It can be built and expanded over time when the right conditions are present.

Why Habits Break Down Under Stress

Habits don’t exist in a vacuum; they live inside the nervous system. When we are regulated, the brain has access to planning, flexibility, and follow-through. Under stress, however, the nervous system shifts into survival states such as fight, flight, or freeze. In these states, intention takes a back seat to protection.

This is why habits often unravel during overwhelming seasons, even when motivation is strong. The system is prioritizing safety, not consistency. What many people label as “self-sabotage” is more accurately understood as nervous system protection. When emotional capacity is exceeded, the body pulls the brakes.

Capacity vs. Willpower in Real Life

Willpower-driven habit change often looks rigid: strict routines, all-or-nothing rules, and restrictive behaviors. These approaches may produce short-term results, but they are fragile. One disruption (a stressful week, an illness, a conflict, etc) can cause the entire system to collapse.

Capacity-based change looks different. It involves adjusting expectations during high-stress seasons, building support before adding new habits, and allowing for flexibility. Instead of asking, “How do I force this?” the question becomes, “What can I realistically support right now?” Progress is measured by consistency, not perfection.

How Emotional Capacity Is Built

Regulation before discipline is essential. A regulated nervous system is far more capable of follow-through than a stressed one. Calm, safety, and predictability create the internal conditions needed for habits to take root.

Relational support matters. Humans are wired for co-regulation. Connection increases capacity. Isolation, on the other hand, drains it. Habits are much easier to maintain when we feel supported rather than alone.

Capacity grows gradually. Small, realistic steps that respect your current bandwidth are far more effective than intense overhauls. Rest and recovery are not obstacles to growth; they are part of it. “Less but consistent” builds capacity over time, while intensity often leads to burnout.

Shifting the Internal Narrative

Sustainable change requires a shift from self-criticism to self-understanding. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” try asking, “What does my system need right now?” Compassion is not a reward for success, it is a prerequisite for capacity. Pressure shrinks the nervous system; understanding expands it.

Practical Reflections

As you consider habit change, reflect gently:

• What season of capacity am I in right now?
  
  

• Where am I relying on willpower instead of support?
  
  

• What would habit change look like if it felt safer?
  
  

Approach these questions with curiosity rather than judgment.

Sustainable Change Comes From Safety, Not Force

Habits stick when emotional capacity supports them. Needing adjustments, flexibility, or support doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re listening. You may not need more discipline; you may need more safety, support, and understanding. And if capacity feels consistently out of reach, working with a therapist can help create the conditions where real, lasting change becomes possible.

The January Crash: Why Motivation Dips After the Holidays - Trauma Therapy for Women in Charleston

January is often framed as a fresh start. New goals. New routines. A clean slate. And yet, for many women in Charleston, South Carolina, January arrives with heaviness rather than momentum. Motivation feels harder to access. Energy is lower. The optimism promised by a new year feels strangely out of reach.

This experience is so common that it deserves a name. The January Crash.

The January Crash is not a personal failure or a lack of discipline. It is a predictable mind and body response to the way most of us move through the holiday season and then expect ourselves to immediately pivot into productivity mode.

To understand why motivation dips in January, we have to look beyond mindset and into the nervous system.

What the Holidays Do to the Brain and Nervous System

For several weeks in December, many nervous systems are operating in a heightened state. There is more social interaction, more travel, more noise, more obligation, and often less sleep. Routines loosen. Boundaries soften. Even positive experiences require energy and regulation.

Layered onto this is a typical increase in alcohol and sugar. Alcohol temporarily increases dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward and motivation. The problem is that this boost is followed by depletion. Alcohol also disrupts sleep quality, even when total sleep time looks adequate on paper. The result is often increased anxiety, lower mood, and reduced emotional resilience in the days that follow.

Sugar plays a similar role. It provides quick energy and comfort, but frequent blood sugar spikes and crashes can increase fatigue, irritability, and brain fog. Over time, high sugar intake contributes to systemic inflammation, which directly affects mood and motivation.

By the time January arrives, many people are unknowingly operating with a nervous system that is overstimulated, under-rested, and depleted of the very chemicals that help us feel energized and hopeful.

Inflammation and Motivation Are More Connected Than We Realize

Inflammation is often discussed in physical terms, but it has a significant impact on mental health. Chronic inflammation is associated with low mood, reduced motivation, cognitive fog, and symptoms that closely resemble depression.

The holidays create a perfect storm for increased inflammation. Alcohol, sugar, disrupted sleep, and prolonged stress all contribute. When the body is inflamed, the brain struggles to generate motivation. This is not a character issue. It is biology.

This is one of the reasons why January can feel so heavy. The body is attempting to recover, while the culture is demanding acceleration.

Why the Crash Comes After the Stress

One of the most confusing parts of the January Crash is that many people feel relatively fine during December, even while juggling full calendars and heightened stress. The drop comes later.

From a nervous system perspective, this makes sense. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol help us push through demanding periods. They keep us moving, functioning, and focused. When the stress subsides, the system finally has space to downshift. Fatigue surfaces. Emotions catch up. Motivation drops.

This is delayed processing, not regression.

January is often when the nervous system stops holding everything together and asks for recovery. When that request is met with pressure instead of support, frustration and self-criticism tend to follow.

The Problem With January Motivation Culture

The “new year, new you” narrative assumes that January is an ideal time for transformation. Biologically and emotionally, it rarely is.

January comes with less daylight, colder temperatures, and reduced social connection. For many people, it also stirs grief, comparison, or reflection on what did or did not happen in the previous year. Expecting peak performance in this context sets people up to feel behind before the year has even started.

“Sustainable change does not come from forcing productivity on a depleted system. It comes from stabilization first.”

- Landrie Ethredge

What Actually Helps During the January Crash

January is best approached as a re-entry month rather than a launchpad.

This means focusing on regulation instead of optimization.

• Consistent sleep matters more than early mornings.

• Stable blood sugar matters more than restrictive resolutions.

• Gentle movement and time outside matter more than intense workouts.

• Small routines that support the nervous system will do more than any “life overhaul”.

Reducing inflammation helps as well. Hydration, adequate protein, and fewer extreme spikes in alcohol and sugar can make a noticeable difference in mood and energy. These are not about weight loss or perfection. They are about giving the brain a fighting chance to recover.

Motivation tends to return when the body feels safe and supported. It follows regulation. It does not precede it.

When Winter Blues Become Something More

Seasonal dips in mood are common, but persistent symptoms deserve attention. Ongoing low mood, loss of interest, irritability, anxiety, numbness, or a sense of disconnection may signal that support would be helpful.

Therapy during the winter months can be especially effective. Rather than waiting until things feel unbearable, early support can help regulate the nervous system, address seasonal depression, and reduce the buildup of stress and inflammation that often compounds over time.

Why January Is a Powerful Time to Start Therapy

January therapy doesn’t need to be about dramatic reinvention. Consider making it about setting the emotional and nervous system trajectory for the year ahead.

Working with a therapist during this season can help you understand your patterns, stabilize your energy, and build habits that support long-term well-being rather than short-term motivation. Small, steady shifts made now often shape the entire year in quiet but meaningful ways.

January may be asking for attunement over intensity.

A Grounded Way Forward

If motivation feels low right now, that information is worth listening to. The body is communicating a need for care, steadiness, and recalibration.

Therapy can be a supportive place to work through winter blues, seasonal depression, and the underlying stressors that make this time of year harder than expected. It can also be a space to clarify how you want this year to feel, not just what you want to accomplish.

The year does not need to start with force. It can start with support.

Why January Is the Perfect Time to Begin (or Return to) Therapy

January often arrives with quiet and calm. The rush settles, routines resume, and emotions that were buried under holiday stress begin to surface. For many people, this makes January the most natural time of year to begin or return to therapy.

Holiday Experiences Bring Clarity

During the holidays, old patterns tend to rear their heads. Things like relationship tension, societal pressure, and lack of fulfillment tend to reappear. When January arrives, many people feel a kind of emotional exhale, and therapy can become a space to unpack what you’ve been carrying.

You may find yourself thinking:

• “This dynamic really isn’t working anymore.”

• “I don’t want to keep repeating this pattern.”

• “I feel lonelier than I expected.”

• “I didn’t realize how overwhelmed I was until everything stopped.”
  

The Power of a Fresh Start

Humans are deeply responsive to beginnings. January is a meaningful time because your mind interprets it as a clean slate. Right now it may feel easier to connect with the thoughts: “I’m open to understanding myself more deeply,” “I want support this year,” and “I’m finally ready.” Therapy meets you right where you are. 

Wintertime is also a season that naturally supports inner work. The beginning of the year naturally encourages reflection because it is often associated with fewer obligations, longer evenings, and a quieter internal landscape. This seasonal pacing gives many people the mental and emotional capacity to explore their inner world more deeply.

Therapy Helps Regulate the Nervous System After Overwhelm

If the holidays left you overstimulated, emotionally raw, or exhausted, therapy provides grounding. Therapy can help process emotional residue, provide tips for calming your nervous system, understand your triggers, and reconnect with your needs and limits. The combination of post-holiday clarity and winter quiet creates ideal conditions for meaningful therapeutic growth.

What Therapy Offers as You Begin a New Year

Therapy isn’t just about solving problems, it’s about creating a space that leads to relational healing. Whether you’re navigating anxiety, burnout, or avoidance, January offers the emotional spaciousness needed to begin. Therapy provides:

• A skilled and steady presence

• A safe space to be fully honest with yourself

• Insight into relational cycles and patterns

• Tools for regulating emotions

• Support for boundary-setting

• A place to be seen without judgment
  

If the past few months resurfaced emotional pain and dissatisfaction, therapy can help you make sense of it. January isn’t a deadline to change your life but it can be an invitation to turn toward yourself with curiosity.

End-of-Year Self-Reflection: Small, Grounded Practices That Actually Help

The end of the year brings a natural invitation to look inward. Rather than rushing into resolutions or pressuring yourself to “be better,” this season can be a time for gentler reflection and an opportunity to understand yourself with more clarity and compassion.

Reflection doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming. It can be small moments of awareness woven into the rhythm of your day. What matters is the intention: it’s not about “fixing” yourself, it’s about understanding your own story without judgment. 

A Different Kind of Year-End Review

Instead of focusing on what you achieved, consider making a list of what asked the most of you this year. This might include difficult conversations, seasons of uncertainty, emotional exhaustion, moments of grief, and boundaries you implemented. This kind of reflection helps shift the narrative from “Was I productive enough?” to “How did I care for myself when things were difficult?” This helps you start seeing yourself as a whole person rather than as an entity that is either succeeding or failing at any given time. 

Checking In With Your Values 

Another meaningful practice is reconnecting with your values. Small shifts in awareness often bring the most meaningful clarity. Ask yourself:

• What mattered to me most this year? 

• When did I live in alignment with that?

• Where did stress, obligation, or fear pull me away from what I value?

• Who or what helped me feel like myself?

• What drained me repeatedly?

• Where did I grow quietly, even if no one saw?
  
  

Maybe rest became more important. Maybe connection mattered, but you were too depleted to nurture it. Maybe you found courage in places you didn't expect. Values give direction and they help shape how you want to enter the year ahead. 

Boundaries as a Reflection Tool

Boundaries tend to get tested most around the holidays, making them a helpful area to revisit. Reflect on:

• Where did boundaries protect my well-being?

• Where did I override my needs to keep the peace with others?

• What patterns made me feel resentful or overwhelmed?

• When did I say yes when I wanted to say no?
  
  

What You Want to Release and What You Want to Carry Forward

Instead of resolutions, consider a simple two-part reflection:

What do I want to release?
Maybe guilt, pressure, unrealistic expectations, or emotional labor that isn’t yours.

What do I want to carry into next year?
Maybe routines that support you, healthier boundaries, or deeper self-understanding. Even naming these intentions can create meaningful shifts.

A Ritual to Close the Year

Rituals give shape to transitions and they help your nervous system make meaning of change. A ritual doesn’t need to be elaborate, it can just be a simple act that you feel connected to. Here are a few ideas for intentionally closing the year:

• Making a playlist that captures your emotional year

• Writing a note to your future self

• Making an album with your favorite memories from the past year

• Lighting a candle and taking deep, cleansing breaths

Year-end reflection is certainly not about reinventing yourself. It’s about recognizing the humanity, the courage, and the individuality within you. This process allows you to make meaning of the past while also moving towards a truer version of yourself.