Non Death Loss and Disenfranchised Grief

Grief isn’t only about losing someone to death. We grieve in countless ways throughout life—when we lose jobs, relationships, opportunities, or dreams. We grieve the childhood experiences we never had, or when friendships shift and change. We grieve when camp ends and we say goodbye to friends, or when aging bodies no longer allow us to do the things we once loved. Every loss, whether small or life-changing, invites its own grieving process. Sometimes it’s brief, sometimes it’s long, but in every case, grief helps us process what happened and move forward.

Unfortunately, this perspective isn’t always common. Many people respond to loss by saying, “Just move on! That’s life. Don’t make such a big deal out of it!” But grieving doesn’t always mean breaking down or being consumed by sadness. At its heart, grief is about honoring what was lost and allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come with it. This expression—whether through tears, reflection, or even creative outlets—opens the door to healing.

What Is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief happens when someone’s grief isn’t seen as valid or acceptable by others. When grief is dismissed or judged, people often end up grieving in isolation. They may push their feelings down, ignore them, or convince themselves they don’t deserve to grieve at all. This makes grief much harder to process.

Grief naturally moves in waves, but when it’s invalidated, it’s as if a dam is built that blocks its flow. Instead of easing over time, emotions pile up and become muddled, making it difficult to find clarity or healing.

“It Could Have Been Worse”

A common way grief is disenfranchised is through the phrase, “It could have been worse.” Consider the example of a miscarriage in the first trimester. A grieving parent may share their pain, only to hear, “Thank God—it was still early!” While intended to comfort, this response minimizes the experience of loss and suggests that grief isn’t justified. Instead of easing pain, it adds shame and isolation.

Grief That Feels “Less Deserving”

Sometimes grief is dismissed because others assume you shouldn’t be so upset. This might happen when you lose someone you “weren’t that close to,” like a coworker or distant relative. You might even dismiss your own feelings, believing you have no right to grieve.

Another example is grieving a person you had a complicated history with, such as an ex-spouse or someone you wronged. For instance, if you divorced your first spouse after an affair, you may still grieve deeply at their death. The relationship may have been painful or messy, but that doesn’t erase the natural grief that comes when someone significant in your life is gone.

Grief Beyond Death

Not all grief is tied to death. Chronic pain, illness, or changes in physical ability can also bring deep loss. You may no longer be able to enjoy activities that once defined you—basketball, dancing, running, or other passions. Chronic illness might force you to let go of career aspirations or change the way you care for yourself, leaving you with feelings of lost control and safety.

These experiences can be painful enough on their own, but they’re often made harder when others can’t see or understand them. People may say things like, “At least you’re alive!” While meant to encourage, this response can feel dismissive. Just because others can’t see the grief of living with illness doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

Self-Disenfranchised Grief

Perhaps the most common form of disenfranchised grief is the kind we place on ourselves. It’s easy to think, “Other people have it worse,” or to assume our feelings aren’t valid. We may also anticipate that others won’t understand and silence ourselves before we’re ever dismissed.

But grief doesn’t need to be justified. It doesn’t have to look a certain way or meet anyone’s expectations. Grief is unique to each person and each loss. The healthiest way forward is to allow yourself to feel it, without judgment or comparison.

Closing Thoughts

Grief shows up in many forms—some obvious, others hidden. Whether tied to death, illness, relationships, or unspoken losses, every grief matters. When we minimize or deny it—whether others do it to us or we do it to ourselves—we only deepen the pain. But when we allow grief to exist, we give ourselves permission to heal.

Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting. It means making space for what was lost while continuing to live fully in the present. By honoring grief in all its forms, we not only heal ourselves, but we also learn to extend empathy and compassion to those around us who are carrying invisible losses of their own.