I want to say something first, because I think it matters more than the label itself: not everyone who runs this pattern is a narcissist. Sometimes it's unresolved trauma, playing out on a loop the person doesn't even see. It's not always conscious. But whether it's intentional or not, the pattern is the pattern, and learning to recognize it is what protects you instead of focusing on figuring out the "why" behind someone else's behavior and choices

So let's talk about the cycle.

The Cycle Of Narcissistic Abuse

It starts with IDEALIZATION.

The love bombing. The attention that feels like it was made for you, the mirroring, the intensity that moves you from strangers to soulmates in what feels like no time at all. It feels incredible. That's the point.

Then comes DEVALUATION.

The shift is rarely dramatic at first. A little criticism here. A little withdrawal there. Comparisons. Playing the victim. Selective “forgetting” what matters to you. Tests you didn't know you were taking. Maybe its something big like infidelity, or maybe its subtle enough that you explain it away - they're stressed, you did do something wrong, you're overreacting. You start questioning your own perception of reality, but by now your are hooked and feeling desperate for their love.

Then, DISCARD.

And here's the part I think gets missed the most: it's easy for them to leave because the roots were never actually deep. What felt like intimacy wasn't real intimacy, not on their end, anyway. It may have been real for you. That's what makes it so disorienting. You were building something with real soil and real roots, and they were building something that could be pulled up in an afternoon. When they don't get their way, there's nothing holding them there, so they go.

And then, often, the HOOVER.

They come back. Not necessarily because they missed you, but because the dynamic isn't finished yet. And it works, because it re-triggers everything from stage one.

Can people change?

Maybe - if the pattern comes from trauma and not from something more fixed, there can be real growth. But remember: a relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it. Someone else's healing work doesn't happen for you, and it doesn't happen on your timeline. You are not responsible for carrying a relationship's health by yourself.

Which brings me to the part I actually think matters most.